Life is weird.
Duh, you say.. I didn’t come all the way over
to this blog to be told the sky is up and life is odd. Bear with me...
So in the
interest of easing back into dating after some misadventures I signed up for an
online matching service. I did this more as a desensitizing of things than
really looking hardcore to meet people. I am the type of person that chats with
anyone mildly interesting and or amusing. So creepers and men with screen names
like fucktoy12 or twointhepink, I ignore.. or mock openly because.. come on.
The ones that can hold an actual conversation I do chat with. Nothing dirty or titillating
just what brought them here and what their life is like.
Yep. That damn back
story again.
So one such person approached me a couple days
ago. I have cleared this with them and will keep it as anonymous as possible.
He is a man in his 40s who lives in another state. He was very witty without
being creepy which let’s be honest is unusual in online dating. I pointed out early on that I don’t do the
whole cross country dating scene. He replied with a vague explanation of
interest and potentially dusting off his flirting skills. He seemed very smart
and funny, being able to keep up with banter but something in my mind was
registering something was off. Pulling on a few loose threads I developed a
theory.
One well-placed joke and he confessed.
He’s clergy.
What the fuck, you
say? Yep. That was near to my response too. Further questions revealed he’s not
full vestments clergy but over a decade of service, vow of chastity and poverty
clergy. (I am using clergy as a generic term for man of faith. I don’t want to
give a faith specific title in the interest of keeping things anonymous) He’s
questioning not his faith, but his lifestyle and vocation.
Yes. Clergy can have midlife crises.
Now I am not a judgmental
person for the most part. I may crack wise about shit but I am usually fairly open and accepting. I believe in life’s turbulence and that soul searching is a good
solid thing. I grew up in a catholic family and went to catholic school so I
have some experience with clergy. (Get your minds out of the gutters, not that
kind of experience) One priest that I was friends with growing up was a car thief
from the Philippines. He taught me how to play pool, to love basketball and
forever changed my definition of clerics. I suppose this is what made me pause
and really look at this man on the dating site. And I mean really look at the complete
picture of him instead of shrieking pervert and running off into the sunset.
Let’s call him Paul just to offer some sort of
title to him. Paul is in his 40s. His last relationship was in his mid-20s. He
is attractive, active, bright, funny and social. He initially came into his
vocation after a failed relationship left him searching for deeper meaning in
life and deeper connections. His faith filled that void. He then channeled all
of his energy into helping the poor and education. His zest and fire carried
him through over a decade of service until one day he hit one of life’s milestones
and looked around. He started asking some of the typical midlife crisis questions of am I
really happy? Do I want this to be who I am? Is what was right for me when I
was younger right now? And let’s be honest.. Do I miss the intimacy that sex and
attraction brings? Let’s not be prudes here.. He’s religious, not a eunuch. So
he signed onto a site as a “safe” way to test the waters without actually committing
one way or the other. Yeah. I called him out on the shady part of that too. His
response was that he’s not sure if he’s questioning his calling or is just
feeling trapped and looking fondly back to his 20s when he could have deep
connected relationships. The potential of children and a life partner. So, He’s
fairly stuck. To date is to abandon over a decade of service, break his vows
and his life’s calling. To not explore the confusion could lead to bad choices
and a feeling of being forced into a life he doesn’t want anymore.
Ahhh… Not such a black or white situation anymore, is it?
So here we are
on opposite screens. Me the lapsed catholic with a more new age/scientific view
on faith and him a cleric questioning not his faith, but his vocation and how
to make changes without losing everything. Not exactly sleepless in Seattle but
honestly for me much more interesting.
Long frank honest discussions have happened in
the last few days. We have covered topics ranging from loneliness and
fulfillment, flirting, childhood cartoons to Dante’s inferno. How to how to
feed the male ego while still keeping the faith. Even how to heal from life’s
traumas and find new meaning in life. It’s a totally unique and odd friendship
between complete strangers on polar opposite sides of the religious spectrum that
is deeper and more honest than some of the life long friendships I have had.
I think we often forget the human inside the
vestments. The person who lived before the vows. That while their faith is
strong, maybe their confidence in life’s journey isn’t. Just like the rest of
us. Sometimes even the Shepard loses track of the trail and needs a hand. I
have no idea where Paul’s decisions will land. Hell, Paul doesn’t know and that’s
ok. I know that he is dealing with a lot of fears, longing and big giant life
changing questions. I am happy that he landed in my message box and that we
have gotten to talk in a frankly shockingly honest way.
Sometimes life is weird..
where
you will meet exactly the right person.
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