Bitchy Auctioneer

                                            Bitchy Auctioneer

To be brutally honest the last two weeks have been rough. I have found myself in darker head space than usual. A lot of it is the unrelenting attacks and bullying from my ex but that has been going on for years now. The Deeelightful missives filled with wrath and insults have become pretty much an every other day occurrence as of late. That doesn’t help. The PC is useless so that’s another layer. 

 

Some of it is the upcoming court date for my stalker. As is the one year anniversary of his hari kari mission through my house. That has retriggered the PTSD and night terrors but bless fully only a couple nights a week. It has made me more vigilant too as statistics show the higher risk will be the days leading up to the trial. 

 The cleric I was talking to became a creeper. Quelle Surprise. I have severed contact with him after he told me he had downloaded all my profile pictures that were on unlocked on facebook and carries them around with him, internet stalked me to my home town and had figured out how long the drive would be. Needless to say there had been no such encouragement from me on that. Whee. So three stalkers and a creeper… and a partridge in a pear tree. 

Fucking hell. All while trying to seem and keep normalcy for the kid. The end result is the blues. I find myself much more self-critical. That lovely inner voice we all have is running like a bitchy auctioneer these days. I am generally more anxious, restless and find myself wanting to dig in to my metaphorical cave and hide. When I get this way my instinct is to become some sort of hibernating growly bear all the while pretending that everything is A OK! Yeah. 

               So I have come to the conclusion that I need more fun in my life. The ridiculous BS is outweighing the ridiculous fun in my life and I need to correct that imbalance. I make fun where I can as a matter of principle but I need to find some new fun things to do. This blog has been one of them and I am enjoying the process and the conversations it has fostered. I am a yoga nerd. A Book nerd. If this state every fucking thaws out I will be able to do all kinds of fun things outside. But in the interim I need to find something fun and stupid that distracts me from the BS that is generally swarming right now. I have no idea what it is or will be. It’s a process right now. As is muzzling the god damn bitchy auctioneer in my head.