Rescue

She dreams of running,

of playing and barking. 

Her paws twitch, 

her lips quiver and her ears swing round while she dreams of running. 

      

          My dog lays in a padded bed in the sunlight the cancer slowly ending dreams of runs and playing. It’s an odd sort of time. Suspended in a chrysalis of watchfulness. Hope dashed but every additional day a found treasure.The vet says any day to six months but probably sooner given her anemia and blood work. The softball sized tumor on her spleen will rupture causing her to bleed out into her belly. It will be somewhat quick, painless and peaceful as her blood pressure drops and she drifts off. It’s the best any of us could ask for in an end.

I am not ready.

I will never be ready to lose this little red dog who has become my best friend.

               I rescued Ali, Aka Monkey back in 2002 when she was two and a half. She was an abused dog rescued by a group called second chance rescues. When I got her she was wild eyed, emaciated, scared and borderline feral. I had another dog named Sammy who had been with me for a long time. Monkey came guardedly into my car and curled herself into the smallest ball I have ever seen for the long ride back home. The first couple days she found comfort in tucking herself in corners and watching the room. Soon she followed me everywhere I went. Soon after that any separation caused her to panic. This is how it goes for dogs that are viciously abused, rehabbed then bond with their first decent human. 

               Monkey had been taken into custody by the county after someone reported her first owner. The county came and found a larger pack of mostly feral dogs starved, beaten and in poor condition. Monkey had pliers marks to her ears, the scars even today 12 and a half years later are still visible. She had head trauma that had damaged her depth perception, broken ribs, broken spinal processes, Her tail had been broken so many times it had no feeling in it anymore.  When they found her Monkey weighed 23 lbs. She is a breed that should weigh around 60lbs. 

        I won’t lie and say it was all petting and treats to fix her. She had to belong to a pack and have a place and a job. She needed regular exercise to help her anxiety. Even with these in place she is going to test the limits of her situation.  She pestered Sammy and pushed pack boundaries. She went potty in the house when mad. She acted out shredding pillows and items testing me to see if I would become like her first owner. Her anxiety became so bad that if left for any amount of time she would batter herself against the door convinced she was being abandoned. I tried desensitizing her, rewarding her, and a hundred other techniques to calm her fears. She had become so anxious of losing me that I couldn’t even shower without a small black nose peeking through the shower curtain making sure I hadn’t magically disappeared through a trap door. One day, I left the house for five minutes and returning to find she had split her nose on the door in her panic. I enlisted the help of a local vet to heal her nose as well as offer wisdom in her rehab. We tried a few other therapies but nothing really helped her. Give the severity of the abuse she had suffered we decided to try a prescription anti-anxiety to help her through this first wave of adjustments. Enter puppy Xanax.She was on the medication for a few months and then weaned off successfully. She did a lot better with the medication and was able to process things better even after the weaning. She calmed down and became to understand that she was not going to be dumped off somewhere. She confidently deepened her bond with me and with Sammy. Monkey was officially home and part of our pack.

              

 Over the years Monkey blossomed. Her intelligence became apparent as did her mischievous side.

She settled and became a loving pack member often kissing Sammy and snuggling with her.
She loved to run especially hiking trails. She would run ahead then dodge back to kiss my hand and Sammy’s nose in encouragement to catch up. I would often tuck her in with her own blanket at night. Each night she seemed to delight in the ritual. She would run over to her dog bed and wait shoulders tense in excitement paws splayed out
on the bed. Once the blanket was tucked around her she would wag her tail so hard it would often drag her blanket down. Once tucked in with a kiss on her head she would burst out of the bed and wiggle and kiss any reachable part until the process of tucking her in was repeated. She has shown me what simple pleasures truly are.

 

              Over the years monkey and I have had many many adventures. We have traveled endless miles of trails, ran from a bear up north, played, loved, and just laid in the sun. We have survived the loss of Sammy. Shared delight in the birth of my son.  Escaped a marriage. Built a new home. Welcomed a new friend to our pack.


She has trick or treated, rock climbed, swam, camped, and played on playground equipment. She has a thing for slides. 

She has been my rock. She has shared my delights, my special moments and my traumas. She has made me smile when I was sad. Grumbled and barked at me when I was being pathetic. Guarded my son and I. Taught Maggie what a true and loving alpha is. Adopted a guinea pig. Listened to my problems and dreams. Taught me what it is to be a survivor. I have watched her, with the infinite patience of someone who knows fear help our newest pack member Maggie find herself again. I have seen her charm and delight people who were before terrified of dogs.  I have watched her love my son with her entire being.

In recent years I have watched her slow down. Watched the beautiful white fur bloom around her face. Watched her become more of a spectator at the dog park than a rambunctious participant. I have watched her gait slow and the arthritis develop in her back.  In recent days I have watched her slow down and become unsteady on her feet. Watched the guarded way she moves as her belly swells while the rest of her becomes thinner. All the while she remains cheerfully delighted with life. With us. With the sunlight on her fur and a kiss on her head.  I am not ready to say good bye to my friend. I never will be but when the time comes I will make sure she is given all of the love, peace and affection she has given us. 

She has kicked off the blanket that was tucked around her. In her sleep her paws twitch and her tail thumps as she dreams of running or maybe she is remembering some past adventure. I watch as the sunlight makes her fur light up like fire and the white in her face glow. She is and always was beautiful.

In the beginning I said I rescued Monkey but that is a lie.

 She rescued me.