Everything In Balance

This post is going to be slightly different than my normal focus. Recently I have been taking a course on Internet and Youth and have been processing some of the information from the class. The course initially caught my eye because it is applicable to my field but also because my son recently asked to join Facebook. I told him I would think about it and get back to him. Like most parents I had the initial mental cringe of creepers, hate and stalkers (oh my!) Facebook is a beast and as a savvy Mom I had all of the normal concerns; security, predators, exposure, and healthy boundaries. My son savvy, tech smart and street smart. We have a good connection and he would come to me if something weird happened by that is a lot of variables to cope with and as a parent my initial response was to freeze. Stepping back and looking at the big picture, 66% of teens use Facebook with the lion’s share of that group being boys. (Lenhart, 2015) So the odds are that this will be a transition for both my son and I at some point in the near future.

            Internet security and healthy boundaries for young social media users are difficult topics to find defined answers to. A lot of this difficulty comes from the fact that your comfort as a parent with your child utilizing social media centers on some key issues. 

The Trust Tightrope

First off trust. Holy hell this is a big thing. You have to trust your child to do right, act right, come to you if something’s wrong, and speak up if someone approaches them in an unsavory way. It is a bit emotionally like letting go of that bike without training wheels the first time. You want them to discover, explore, learn and grow but you desperately don’t want them to get hurt. Sitting with this first issue was interesting. I found it said a lot about my insecurities as a parent more than anything else. I know my son, I have raised him well. He has a great heart and we communicate very well. Social media triggers us as parents a lot like letting your kiddo out to school, or their first sleep over or big date does. It’s a big step outside my bubble of protection and editing and out into the real world where they have to make choices.  It’s scary absolutely for us as parents but for them it is a new world. After sitting with this for a bit and seeing that this was 80% my own parental issues, I came up with some firm ground rules to address the concerns that remained in the 20%. He and I sat down and talked before I helped him create an account. Before I moved forward on anything I made sure we agreed and he understood the rules.

The Four Rules of the Social Media Apocalypse

First off, he friends me. When he is older this rule will drop by the wayside as he is entitled to his privacy but for now it’s a secure step as well as a form of training wheels. As his friend him and I can interact and post to each other which for right now delights him (as he gets older I have a feeling that may change). Moreover, as his ‘friend’ if someone is bothering him on his wall or posting weird stuff I can find them. 

Second, any interaction that doesn’t seem right, check with me. He won’t get into trouble for being honest. I am allowing for him to eventually branch out a little and rebel like most healthy stable kids will. If this happens and someone he is chatting with seems off I want him to feel safe and comfortable being able to come and talk to me about it. If I take an absolute punitive stance he simply won’t talk to me about things like this. For me, navigating teen years successfully is in part being realistic and remembering that some of the teen rebellions are important and serve a purpose in life lessons. If I remain fair and open to hearing rationale he will be more likely in the future to talk about bad decisions or ask for help. Again, it comes back to trusting you raised your kid right and knowing their heart. 

Third, the account will be created with a pseudonym and a picture that is not a person that he can give to his friends (or he can friend them). Unless he sees a person once a week (meaning a school, family or play friend) no friending them without me approving. Again, this rule will drop off as he gets older and savvier to the ins and outs of social media. The pseudonym allows him a layer of selection and protection. By doing this he has control over who is bombarding him and doing that annoying Facebook stalk. We also talked about setting his account to friends only and his posting that way. I prepared to explain the dangers of open profiles but his response was “cool. It’s not like I would want my phone calls on the radio, why would I want everyone up in my profile.” Well, damn. That was easy.

Fourth, is a general screen rule but applies here too. Eyes before internet; if someone if talking to you or trying to get your attention: put the screen down (this rule applies to anyone in the home). We have dogs too and the rule works for them as well. If my son’s dog is trying to get his attention and some affection he has to put screen down and give her some love. Everything needs a balance and as fun as apps and social media is human (or animal) contact and interaction as well as movement is equally important as well.

 

Let's aim for NOT this guy

Creeper Factor

The parental concern was the creepers and predators out there. Creepy men and women who seem to slime around the social media sites trying to engage people in their weird porn sites or chat rooms. As a parent there is always the worry about child predators as well. Well in reality creepers and predators are everywhere. The ones that might see my son in person I am MUCH more concerned about than the shadows on social media. This is why I have taught my son self-defense and how to trust your instincts when something seems off. The online slime we mostly dealt with in the rules. If one contacts him via messenger he ignores them or tells me. It took about two months before he got his first creeper message. It was just “wat up big boy” from some random profile. He showed it to me laughing at the weirdo and asked me to show him how to block them. Parental sigh of relief as the first big test passed. 

So why go through all this?

So why all of this risk and rules, you ask? Why all of this worry, why not just wait until he is older? The fact is the problems won’t change. He needs to learn these skills for this world and I would rather it be when he is more open to sharing his posts. So that as he grows older he builds the skills he needs to be savvy and safe. Helping him learn these skills at his age now versus at 16 will be a lot easier. He also made a pretty strong argument for having an account. He said he wanted to build an extra support structure of friends online for when he needs support. Both my son and I deal with a lot of situational stress in our lives due to his father’s mental illness issues. His wanting to have a group to reach out to when he is stressed and wants a sounding board makes solid therapeutic sense. The last big reason I will share but in an example. 

One day my son was checking his feed and came across a video of a 14 year old girl from North Korea giving a talk to a large audience. Intrigued as to why so many adults were listening to such a young girl with such intensity he clicked on the video and watched it. The video was of Yeonmi Park telling of her escape from North Korea and what life really is like there now.  She spoke of heart rending issues with poise and bravery. (video)My son, deeply moved by this little girls experience and strength asked to know more about what she was talking about. For an hour we talked about the very different reality of life in other places than America. He never realized that the rest of the world wasn’t just like it was here. His world view changed that day and my son became an active, interested citizen of the world. He brought the video to school to show friends. He asked about other countries more often and the politics of the areas. He wanted to expand his world view and oddly Facebook rises to the challenge. He uses the site for social media but also for supporting animal rescue sites, learning more about the world, and of course things that make him laugh. (All things in balance after all)

 However his experience is not unique The American Academy of Pediatrics also sees the benefits. “Social media participation also can offer adolescents deeper benefits that extend into their view of self, community, and the world” (O'Keeffe & Clarke-Pearson, 2011) The article goes on to cite that social media can engage youth in volunteering, activism, artistic and creative endeavors, create growth of ideas, expand connections to others of more diverse backgrounds, and help foster and strengthen individual identity. (O'Keeffe & Clarke-Pearson, 2011) These are all solid points offered up by the Academy of Pediatrics but often overshadowed by the medias sensationalism and let’s admit it our own parental concerns.

            Social media platforms like Facebook are not good or bad. They are tools. How you use them is how they feed you. This is the lesson I am trying to teach my son. He can use this tool to expand his world, his experience, and his support. As parents we owe it to ourselves and to our kids to really look deep as to why we might be reacting so strong to new technologies. This isn’t an aspect of the world that is going away so we owe it to our children to learn how to use it effectively rather than leaving them to their own devices to muddle though. Used correctly these tools can broaden and expand global perspective and cultural tolerance.

References

Lenhart, A. (2015, April). Teens, Social Media & Technology Overview 2015. Retrieved 2017, from Pew Research Center; Internet Science and Technology: http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/04/09/teens-social-media-technology-2015/

O'Keeffe, G. S., & Clarke-Pearson, K. (2011). The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families. Pediatrics, VOLUME 127 / ISSUE 4.