After shocks
A short while I
blogged about closure and my stalker. It felt good to wrap meaning around a
traumatic event and let it free. If this was Hollywood I would wander off into
the sunset all healed up and feeling like a new woman. Probably with some Russell
Crowe look alike with a heart of gold walking with me with a look of adoration.
But let’s be real. The sunset would probably blind you, Russell Crowe is
reportedly an ass in real life and who really wants to wander squinting into
the distance with an asshole ad infinitum? Not me.
And to be honest I
wouldn’t want someone to wave a magic wand and make things all good. That would
mean I went through it all for fuck all nothing. No lesson. No new strengths.
No upgrade. What a waste.
So things have gotten better. Not Hollywood all
better but better. I felt good after writing that piece. It allowed me to give
people a frank view of the situation and for me to process it all with some
distance and perspective. I have been moving along since then dealing with the
drama-go-round that seems to be my life as of late. One random thing I did recently
was to purchase a fitbit. They are pretty fucking cool but I won’t wax on
poetically about the awesomeness of them because that’s not the point.
One
function of the fitbit is that it monitors your sleep. This was one of the main
reasons I got it. I work in EMS and rotate around first, second and third
shift. I have runs of days where I stay up for 56-60 hours straight. My sleep
schedule is random and messed up. I figured the fitbit would help me gauge just
how jacked up my sleep was. And it did. This thing can tell you how long it
took you to fall asleep. How long you slept for and the point of all this, how
many times you wake up at night. I found out I am sleeping a good rate (6-8
hours on average. Sometimes in blocks and sometimes in two to three groupings
over a 24 hour period) but what surprised me was that I was waking up 20+ times
a night. WTF. I started back checking the data and found that it was fairly
accurate. I was waking up a few times an hour interrupting my REM cycle.
Ahhh.. Suddenly the giant under eye
circles make some more sense.
I really started to cull through the data I
collected and came to a realization. I was still being hyper vigilant. I was
still guarding and not truly allowing myself to relax and sleep. On some level
a part of me didn’t believe we were ok and safe. A part of me wanted to be
guarding for the next attack. A part of me was obviously still traumatized and
had yet to find its Russell Crowe and wander off into the sunset. Ironically
enough, do you know when I was truly relaxed and not hyper vigilant? When I was
able to sleep at work (yes, EMS is allowed to nap if we have down time. Long
hours, high stress and rotating shift times make it near mandatory to stay sane and healthy) Why work
you ask? Because someone was, in a way, guarding for me. I trust my EMS family to
watch my back. That trust allowed me to be able to let down my guard for a time
and for that I am profoundly grateful.
Back after my stalking drama came
to a head I was given a medicine used in PTSD (yes I was diagnosed with PTSD. I
am not just tossing that out there) It’s called minipress or prazosin and
originally was a blood pressure medicine
but they found it had the odd side effect of suppressing night terrors when
taken before sleep without sedation and without effecting REM. I dug out my prescription for it and tried it
at random intervals for a while. Then I gathered the data and reviewed it. What I
found was a relief and a surprise.
Nights without meds: Awake 20+
times on average
Nights with Meds: Awake twice on
average
Heeeelllooo confirmation of hyper
vigilance! Wait.. That’s not a celebration moment...is it? well, yeah I kinda suppose
it is. Maybe Eureka would be more apt. Any way... I have wandered away from
topic here. I took that data to the doc who prescribed the medication and
shared it with her. She smiled and set up refills. And now is trialing out a
similar system with her a few of her other patients with resolved/resolving PTSD and sleep
issues where they can track their medications effectiveness and hyper vigilance
issues. Hey, I am not a unique freak. Win!
Me personally I will probably not be
using the refill option if necessary. I view it much
like walking off into the sunset which is why after all this time I had some
sitting around. It’s not a long term solution. It’s a stop gap to help me be
ready to process it all. My goal is to
get my sleep back to baseline, continue journaling and processing all of this
then eventually meet my official terrors and buy them a damn Zima, because that’s
what night terrors drink. Probably with Gandhi
and Einstein because it is my dream after all.
It has been 16 years since my ex-fiance tried to kill me and I put him in the hospital and I still find myself suddenly awake and sitting up in bed with a bat every once and a while. Even now I can become instantly awake and armed. I know for a fact after I put his ass in the hospital that he would not risk setting foot in this STATE much less my house but I still worry with the people I have pissed off for whistle blowing their illegal/immoral activities if I would suddenly find them outside my house. I don't list my address, my cell phone is blocked and unlisted and we have sticks, bats, and swords at every entrance. My husband knows why, and most nights I can sleep, but even now, there are nights.Time has meant they are fewer and farther between, and therapy helped. My psychiatrist has helped me realize it is not so much fear as anger and hyper-vigilance. Anger because I will not be attacked in my own home, and I will not be afraid in my home. The trauma never goes away, the hyper vigilance never goes away, but with time and help more quiet nights come than nights sitting up cleaning my shotgun and jumping when the wind blows outside.
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