BAMbulance Service: Coming to Your City Soon!

Ambulances are so yesteryear. They are all about saving you, but what about taking out your assailants? You can’t count on the cops or EMS for that. But you can call us. We come to any scary part of the city and our response time is hella fast.

Don’t get us wrong. We might be able to save you, but we pretty much only stock dirty knives, so it is pretty unlikely. We will, however, make sure to hunt down anyone who may have caused your ‘accident’ and cause an ‘accident’ of our own. If the hospital is on the way, we are totally cool with chucking you out the side. If you tip us well, we will even slow down…a bit.

Worried about the consequences? Don’t be. Our vehicles are designed to impale any evidence and carry it away with us.

Why call emergency services, when you can call mayhem services? 

Whateves. It is your funeral.

Gone But Not Forgotten: MSG, The Running Man, And All The Other Lost Unicorns Of Childhood

Pump up your Air Jordan’s and bust out the Jolt cola, we are about to take a stroll down memory lane to things from your childhood that are now unicorns in your memory

 

Passing Notes in School

Remember the thrill of passing notes in class? Notes to your best friend, to your crush, just stupidly asking when things were due because it meant you got to pass a note. Yeah.. gone. 

Texting ruined that rebellion.

Do you like Sara? circle one...

Awkward Straight-arm Slow Dancing at School Dances

Doesn’t anyone slow dance anymore? Feet shuffling side to side arms locked at the elbows, eyes darting to and away from your partner’s face as you slowly spin to some 80’s rock ballad..

He is so excited he touched her WAIST!!!

MSG in Spaghetti-O's

Admit it. As an adult you returned to the source and had spaghetti-o’s...and it sucked. 

In the late 80’s early 90’s they changed the recipe to get rid of MSG and the whole product was never the same. Apparently a bunch of kids were having allergic reactions to MSG. 

Yeah.. MSG is Gluten’s older brother.

I mourn for you MSG Spaghetti-o’s

 The Phrase "Don't Drink the Kool-Aid"

I have used this phrase a lot through life. It means don’t join in on cultish, mindless thinking and be your own person. Recently when I say this it is met with blank stares and confusion because Kool-Aid is delicious. No.. I mean the poisoned Kool-Aid.. Jonestown; the cult and mass suicide.. they all drank the Kool-Aid because they were brain washed and (most) died.

*siiiigh* Just… wiki it.

“Macguyvering”

Again I will get a blank stare at this turn of phrase. Someone thought I was referencing Scottish tenacity.. *facepalm*

I am going to duct tape the shit out of this generation

Awkward Puberty

This used to be an awkward phase for all people. Even the perfect kids would get a pimple or need braces and we were all reassured by their humanity.

Not any damn more.

Invisiline, proactive, spray on makeup, extensions, fake eyelashes and implants.

 No one is awkward anymore

Le Sigh

 

The Innocence of Pudding Pops

Fuck you Cosby.

Those things were delicious. Now all I think of when I see them are date rapey creepers in weird sweaters.

Mixed Tapes

These used to be awesome. Someone would make you a mixed tape and every song was a declaration of their feelings for you. Seriously. Why did that have to go?!?

Oh yeah... technology. 

The game just gets lazier.

Candy Cigarettes

Creepy but they were yummy. I told my 9 year old son about them recently and he looked at me like I was crazy and said mom, why in the heck would a kid want cigarettes even if they were candy!? Good point.

 *looking at my mom*

Cancer fun for EVERYONE!!

Dances Like the Cabbage Patch and Running Man

Not twerking.. not simulated sex but flopping your limbs around while running in place on the dance floor like it’s an aerobics class. That was awesome. It was two parts self-mockery and one part skill. Not one part ass, one part stripper and one part pelvic thrusting. Our pride was in either getting a laugh or accomplishing a dance move like MC hammer. Not how much of an erection we could give our dance partners.

We ALL did that face too..

Saturday Morning Cartoons are GONE

Seriously... Take a moment with the reality of that fact. 

What kind of shit is that? That was one of the best parts of childhood!Waking up at the ass crack of dawn on a Saturday, running down stairs to claim the TV from my three other siblings.  Nabbing a miniature sized box of sugar cereal on the way down to eat dry in front of the TV while watching gummi bears and pee-wees playhouse. That was awesome.The fact that you had ONE shot at watching them made it all the more delightful.

Yeah... This whole post was built around this one picture.  I PITY THE FOOL!

Alert! Alert!!

Additional awesomeness will be happening here in the form of an additional contributor. Sometimes sarcastic, always intelligent and usually clumsy Anonymous will be posting here occasionally under the banner of lifeoutoforderblog2.

All Hail the awesome!!!

Just because I love this kid's grit.

Spiritual Mojo

        Those of you who know me in real life (holla!) know that. I am not a huge fan of organized religion and have built my own form of spirituality which resonates with me. 

 

I am someone who believes in the things that fall under the banner of Karma/fate/magic/coincidence. Not pull a hat out of your rabbit (or however that trick goes) but more in a series of random things lining up to offer something wonderful for others. I am someone who pays attention to the small things in life and have found that they often indicate coming events. 

       Having said all that I do believe in a higher power. Be it the Universe, a deity or karmic cycles it is something I feel and feel it plays a role in our lives. It is something that I have experienced firsthand in life and seen in my years as a medic, in death. 

 I believe in intuition and listening to the little hairs on the back of my neck. I listen when that space between my shoulder blades suddenly gets tight or the back on my mind feels heavy. I believe that coincidence is a nudge from the Universe. I believe that there are people in our lives that are meant to have import and that we will meet them no matter which path we take.  

That being said as of late I have lost my spiritual mojo.

 In the last year been dealing with serious illness and working to repair the damage done by stalkers and my ex.  I don’t know if the combination of that amount of ugly I have processed in the last year that has knocked my faith for a loop or if I have distanced myself from it for some other yet unknown reason. Whatever the answer I am struggling to reconnect with it. I still believe in what I believe but it feels as if I am standing outside looking in. More distance, less feels.  There is a disconnect which for me is alarming as I can’t readily recall ever having this before. I feel that spirituality, no matter how you define yours personally, deepens the meaning and experiences in our lives. As of late mine has been kinda flat in that department. So how do I re-whimsy my life? 

Maybe I am taking myself too seriously. Maybe I just need to embrace my inner idiot. Maybe I need to hang out with small children more. Maybe the previous levels of whimsy in my life are no longer enough. Maybe I need to remind myself daily that 37 is too young to close up shop and join the grey beards. I honestly don’t have an answer this time.. What do you do to get your spiritual mojos back in line?